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Sewing like any other craft is dear to those who are interested in it and it avails opportunities for some rib-cracking jokes and puns.
Jokes
- My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer-songwriter.
- If you are freaking out over a sewing project, don’t worry. What you are experiencing is called “Seamstress’ed”. It’s a quite common phenomenon among people who sew.
- I can’t remember any sewing jokes, I’m running out of materials.
- My wife’s sewing machine isn’t working properly. Not sure what’s wrong with it though, it just seams a little off.
- If your block isn’t working right, just try turning it around. Maybe it will work left.
- How did you know the thief was a seamstress? She seemed to be following a pattern.
- How did you know my wife just started sewing? She never finishes her quilting projects.
- What do you call a gathering of quilters? A block party.
- How do quilting babies learn to walk? With a walking foot.
- Let me sew and no one gets hurt
- Nothing hunts us like the fabric we didn’t buy
- Sewing is cheaper than Therapy
- Of course I talk to myself when I sew. Sometimes I need expert advice.
- To sew or not to sew. What a silly question.
- Hand me my seam ripper, then slowly back away.
- I just spent two hours organizing my stockpile of fabric. I think I will reward myself with a trip to the fabric store.
- I only quilt on days that end in “y”.
- Blessed are the children of quilters. They shall inherit the quilts.
- I count my salary in yards of fabric.
- I might look like I’m listening to you but in my head, I’m sewing.
- I’m not a hoarder, I just need a bigger craft room.
- I’m only hugging you to see if that fabric is wool or polyester.
- Dear Lord, please let me come home before my online orders of fabric arrives. Or at least before my husband.
- A clean house is a strong sign that the sewing machine is broken.
- I’m a fabricaholic on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the way to the fabric store.
- My dream world? A place where the fabric is free and sewing make you thin.
- Why couldn’t Santa convince the quilter to come to visit? he didn’t have enough backing.
- How do a seamstress travel? Stitch-hiking.
- What did the quilter blame for having too many children? Reproduction fabric.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? Because they drop all their needles.
- Girl: Hi Doctor, have you found out what my condition is yet? Doctor: Yes, do you like sewing? Girl: Yes, but what does that have to do with any of this? Doctor: You seam-stressed.
Source: Sewing Machine Talk
- My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing. “Stick it in cider,” I said. “What good’ll that do?” “I dunno, but there’s this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider.”
- The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.The monk’s work was nothing less than stellar, but sometimes you could occasionally hear the monk laugh. When the captain went to glance if something is wrong, he was all alone. Perplexed, he returned back.
This goes on for a few days until the captain asks what’s up with his laughing. The monk says, “Oh, it’s nothing. As part of my spiritual journey I converse with my sewing supplies.”
“Oh, what do you guys talk about?”
“Usually jokes. However, I draw my personal line at religious jokes.”The captain is dumbfounded, but lets him do his work in peace.
This goes on until one day, the sewing supplies run out so is replaced by the ones already in the submarine. Then, the captain suddenly hears a huge heated argument in the monk’s chamber! He rushes and sees the monk arguing with the brand-new sewing kit.
“What happened!?” asks the captain.
The monk replies: “It’s the damn sewing kit! The threads of this sub think they’re funny with their karma jokes!”
- So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and a sewing kit. He thinks to himself,“Thith will work!”
He’s in his hotel room sewing away and reading to hieroglyph book. He gets to the last page of the book and sees that the last symbol is scratched out of the book! In that very moment of mild frustration he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He yells,
“Ouchie! I’m just mithing a thymbol!” - She needs a job and the only place to work within 50 miles is a tickle me Elmo factory.
So she drives there the very next day. She is immediately sent to the head honchos office, and he says to her “this is your lucky day, we just lost somone in the factory and you would be perfect for the job”
He explains what she will be doing and tells her she can start first thing in the morning.
The next day she comes in and goes straight to work.
Not long after that the shift manager sees the dolls are majorly backing up on the line.
He checks what she is doing and goes right to the head honcho.
He says to his boss
” You are not going to believe what the new girl is doing!
She has a bag of marbles, some red cloth, and a needle and thread.
As each of the Elmo dolls comes of the line she is sewing a little red pouch between the legs and is inserting 2 marbles, I just didn’t know what to say to her.!”
The head honcho let’s him know he will take care of this and heads straight away to the factory floor.
He approaches the woman and lets her know they need to talk.
She puts down her sewing tools and listens.
He says to her
” I am sorry but i think you misunderstood me when i told you that each Tickle me Elmo gets two test tickles” - This is a Soviet joke that was told to me recently. It takes place during a war.A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.At the party, the director of the factory gives her a gift: a fancy watch. She asks the director: “Why a watch? I would have liked to have gotten a sewing machine, I could really use one.”
The director tells her to talk in private. When she comes up to him after the party, he tells her, “If you had taken a few pieces every now and then, you would have a sewing machine now.”
The woman answers, “I have taken a few pieces home, but I’m having trouble building a sewing machine out of them. I always end up building machine guns.
Source: Up Joke
- My biggest fear is that when I die my husband will sell all my craft supplies for what I told him they cost.
- I’m working on my PhD (projects half done) in sewing.
- I’m a fabricholic on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the road to the fabric store.
- My therapist advised I limit my fabric stash to one room. I now have a new therapist.
Source: Sew Uber
Puns
- Look there they are all my scissors. Still sharp and neatly ordered. Said no seamstress ever.
- I’m not easily distracted, I… wait is that fabric you have laying over there?
- Yes, I have a sewing machine and yes I like to sew. No, I don’t want to hem your pants or fix your curtains for 1/3 the price of a tailor. Do it yourself if you think it takes a minute.
- Dear fabric store worker. Don’t ask me what I’m making, I’m running out of code words. It’s going in my fabric stash.
- I’m a quilting grandma. Much like a normal grandma. Except much cooler.
- Me at the fabric store: Should I buy this piece of fabric for my stash? Head: No, Wallet: No, Store owner: No. Husband: Heck no. Me: I’ll take 5 yards, please.
Source: Sewing Machine Talk
- Betsy: So sewing puns seam to be my typing quirk now
- Me: Yay, sewing pins! Chalk it up to the winner of puns girl
- Betsy: I guess I won’t be able to selvage this one
- Me: What a serger of puns.
- Betsy: You set the Barre so high. I have to.
- Me: You’re bobbin in open water now.
- Betsy: I surrender.
- Me: I’ve gathered then that you’re decreeing me champion. I must say I’m fusing mad that you’re giving up.
- It is all fun and games until the bobbin runs out.
- Sew much fabric, sew little time.
- If you embroider a message on a bedspread, you’re making a blanket statement.
- What does a seamstress say to get your attention? A-hem.
Source: Tumblr
- Sew you are asking for help? Maybe try a cross-posting to other sub-thread-its.
- I’m trying to think of a sewing pun but I’m really struggling. I needle the help I can get.
- You should stop those sewing jokes. You are running out of good material
- I would offer help button this occasion i think ill pass.
- You needle to stop spewing, and start sewing.
- I don’t seam to get it
- Yarn knot going find it here.
- Darn you. Is there any way to mend this thread?
Source: Reddit
- Wanted criminal with sewing machine at large; Police says he’s following a pattern.
- I play with scissors for the shear fun of it.
- As you sew so shall you rip.
- May your bobbin always be full
- Sew glad we’re friends
- What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew!
Source: Cool Pun
- What do you call a gangsta sewing group? Nittas With attitude
- I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn’t have all the proper equipment…needle-less to say, I didn’t get very far.
- Last night I ran out of sewing needles.
- I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.
- What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine? You seam stressed.
- How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy? If it seams legit
- What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine? Make it sew!
- Why do Christmas trees suck at sewing? They’re always dropping their needles!
- Today i made a mistake while sewing. Oops, wrong thread.
- Two sewing machines were walking down the road. As they pass by each other one says to the other “Hey are you that Singer?” The other replies “Janome?”.
- The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles he was on a diet
- I think my wife’s sewing machine is on the blink. I’m not sure what’s wrong, it just doesn’t seam right
- Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises.
- I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose. It appeared I would have to live without my pillow or sew its seams.
Source: Up Joke
